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Thursday, August 28, 2014

"I'm sure he'll be fine."

Pretty brilliant take on illness and death. And it's English, so shallowness, lies, awkwardness abound.

Sunday, August 17, 2014


A few days ago, I was on the back of a black and white pinto, trotting around an exercise arena. And because I'm me, my eyes welled up with tears as we shuffled across the ring together.

I rode when I was a kid, on and off, for about ten years. I was a complete horse girl. I read every book, watched every movie, and every Christmas and birthday I nourished a small hope that maybe this was the time I'd get my own horse. Like most kids with that same hope, I never did. But I kept up my lessons, through moves and falls. I was a timid rider, anxious even, but I think that spoke to how much I loved them, that I stood up to myself and my fears.

I've never stopped loving them, never stopped gasping when I encounter one unexpectedly.

So aboard this little paint, in an English saddle, I started to feel like perhaps there was a part of me that wasn't gone forever. I spoke to her with my body, the old words coming up with ease. Nothing fancy or advanced at all, but when the owner of the barn told me I was "a good little rider," I flushed with a pride that I rarely feel, smile impossible to hold back.

In those moments, my body was not broken, or fucked up, or wrong.

A few times I had thoughts of, "Should I be using my arms this way?" "Am I hurting myself?" but I quashed them. I didn't care. And though my muscles complained, sometimes bitterly, later, I stand by it.

Blinking back those tears in the arena, I had a distinct feeling of this is it. This is what I need. After all this time, this is what it is. A girl and a horse.

I realized, finally, completely, that the path back to myself is not one I will walk alone.

I'm not unique in this, I realized after obsessive googling. It's not easy to find a barn when you're in the city. Even if I can't make regular lessons happen right now, I'm going to do everything I can. Here are programs for the other horse girls out there, that I'll be looking into as well.

Big Sky Yoga Retreats
My Feet Take Wings -- Breast Cancer Support Program
Riding Beyond
Horse Power for Life

Happy riding, my lovelies.

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Fault

Away again this week loves, so here's my recent post for ABC News, on The Fault in Our Stars. This is the longest I've gone without writing here! Also the longest I've gone without seeing a doctor. (Don't worry, there's still a whole mess of shit to talk about.)

Now I'm off to a darker place, to see the perseids.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Hello from the Omega Institute

Just to say that I am away this week, up at a writing workshop in Rhinebeck (with Cheryl Strayed...ahhhh!). Will write when I'm back, loves. For now, here's a mushroom outside my cabin. Medicinal? Magic? Who knows.