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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Since U Been Gone: A dirge for a left breast

I'm pretty sure my iPod volume goes to 11. Lately I've been blasting the headphones to the point where I am definitely damaging my hearing. All the sounds go soft, and a certain percentage of the music turns to white noise.

The songs I'm sacrificing my hearing for? Break up anthems. The poppier the better.

There's something about these songs that just feels so right. Like they weren't written about asshole exes, but amputated boobs. Malignant ones at that.

Seriously, just listen to Since U Been Gone and try not to think of it as being about a mastectomy. I dare you! "Thanks to you, now I get what I want." As in, the smaller, perkier boobs of my dreams. Sweet.

And, true to break up mentality, I don't have these strong feelings about my right breast, the non-cancery one. Just that bitchy left breast, who fucking betrayed me and mutated and tried to go on a murderous rampage.

My left breast was a total dick.

In Irreplaceable Beyonce even mentions this fact, with the song starting out "To the left, to the left," like she's pointing out the offending side. I feel like I want to listen to this song on repeat the night before my exchange surgery and let the line "You must not know about me, I can have another you by tomorrow," pulse through me.

If I listen to these songs enough, maybe I'll actually start to feel it.

The problem with break up songs, is that for all the empowerment they shove down your throat, they can never escape being what they are. You can tell me with your best vibrato that you just don't give a fuck, and you're better off than ever, but in the end you still cared enough to write a song about it. The best fuck you is to never ever think about them again. An impossibility, usually.

Which inevitably leads me to the torch song. Torch songs eschew the false sense of being better off or any of that shit. They're the ones who tell the sad truth, that the one who hurt you is still the beloved and still wanted. No empowerment, just surrender.

Who would have thought that the biggest heartbreak of my life would be caused by a cellular mutation?

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